Nothing awaits me
I’ve vanished my father to a ghost.
Forgotten, he exists only in the shadows and
All I hear are whispers of him
It’s so very confusing not having a father…
That depression can pull
People apart so far that
It leaves a chasm..
Before he left, he gave me
Part of his pit, his vice and wounds
And left with nothing, I took them for my own
My mother,
Removed from herself
Sets her life on autopilot
To stay busy
Busy from what, I’m not so sure
But busy, always busy disguised as
Productive.
It seems like the only thing worth her time are the quiet
Dinners to celebrate.
Celebrate these milestones, that have grown to have
Less and less meaning, becuase
But celebrating looks like Silence.
There’s love, I’m sure, somewhere in the silence,
But it fills the space between us,
So deeply,
That it only feels like we’re drift further apart.
It’s so very confusing only having a mother…
Try as she may, how do you teach
A boy without instructions?
She has giving me love, and dedication,
A sharp tongue I direct at myself
And silence.
She has given me so much silence,
That is all that comes out of me when I speak.
My inheritance is just that.
Silence and Darkness.
I’m trying to let it go,
Trying to learn
so I don’t end up as a shadow,
Or someone who barely exists, showing up
Uninterested, disengaged.
What life is that? It’s not one I want.
Left with only these few heirlooms,
I want only to leave this behind.
I worry… I worry
I’ll leave and they won’t care
I’ll leave and they’ll erode into nothing
I’ll leave and I’ll never come back.
Most of all…
I’m worried about
What I’ll leave behind.
What an inheritance.
